Sometimes there are those things that you just wish and hope and wait forever to hear. You want someone to say them to you so bad and feel if they ever do you will be complete and everything will fall into place. 

What happens one day when they do? Once they finally say it, it causes you to think as much as i love every word your saying how do i know they are true and how do i know how many others your saying those same words to. How many times can you be let down?  Will this be the one time to make everything right or is it just another lesson to learn? 

The questions continue to be on your mind constantly.  So you play the game of self-preservation hoping that somehow over time everything will be clear to you and them; but the truth of the matter is your hopes are already up despite your effort to keep your feet planted firmly on the ground.  So if something works out or not it will hurt regardless. And only the amount of time and how high you get your hopes up are the true gauges of how hurt you will end up but then there is that chance that an eternal optimist  can't overlook that everything may work out beautifully the way your heart desires and that is a pretty hard opportunity to overlook.

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary? "

~Carrie SATC

 *Wild Horses*

I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out,
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures I'm thinking about, 
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses,

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bareback, carefree
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
Wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses,

I wanna run too
Recklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

I wanna run with the wild horses

Hello all!

Happy 2006!  Who's is glad we can put 2005 behind us...?!?  I am!  What a rough year for me, my family, and friends!  I will never forget it and learned so many life lessons....things that definitely aren't taught in classrooms!  The thing I really learned is how fabulous everyone in my life really is....through the ups and downs my family is wonderful and strong.  My dad is such a fighter and never gives up when things are hard but so fun-loving and easygoing.  I have always loved my mom with all my heart but this year I saw more inner strength in her than I can even dream to have!   I hope I can have her inner strength someday, and experience the beautiful and unconditional love they share.  My brothers give me a hard time but through everything have been the best guys in the world and will go to huge lengths to make sure I'm doing okay in every aspect of my life.

My girlfriends are my world.  I never would have made it through the trials of this year without all of them by my side.  We are such a team and we are in it together forever I love you all!  Great guy friends too who always find small and kind way to show they care

Do I think there is anything magical that happens from December 31st to January 1st?!? Nope not at all!  It's a fun holiday but the truth of the matter is it is a great excuse to look at the past 12 months of your life....take it all in (the good, bad, and ugly) learn from it and make it a part of your past and gain knowledge for a better future.  I had a lot to reflect back on more then I will type here on xanga.  I think I could seriously write a book about the events of this past year!  But now I'm happy and relieved to have this excuse to move on a little wiser and make a point to look at these next 12 months as a clean slate and optimistic that we all learned a lot from this past year and use all my optimism to believe that 2006 will be fantastic!  Things will happen, but if I ever doubted myself before, after this year I am pretty sure I can handle almost anything that comes my way.

School has started back up I'm taking 18 hours but my schedule sounds like a lot but is way nice I'm pretty excited! I'm in 4 dances this semester and Secretary of the dance company and auditioned this weekend for a dance team and MADE IT!! yey!!!  It's called Iowa's Best Muscle Hip Hop Team.... I am so psyched! I miss that style of dance and I feel like everything is coming together and I get the best of all dance worlds now   We dance at bars and clubs and some UNI basketball games and we get to dance at a Minnesota Timberwolves game! And on top of that good news  my good friend Andrea is back at UNI this semester after spending a semester in New Jersey! It is wonderful being with her again!!!  Yes...2006 is looking pretty good

PS: America Idol starts tonight! WOOHOO!

New Years Eve!

Our CB girl Christmas!

UNI Girls!

First weekend back!

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving break!  I did being in Minnesota with the family.  However I really missed the rest of my family and friends in CB a whole lot!  It makes me so excited for Christmas break.  Over break I am definitely planning on working at Kidsquest I need the money so bad yikes!  Then hopefully with things calming down and having my schedule together I am going to try to get a job at the rec center in the child care.

Sarah's appointment went well at the doctors what a huge relief!!!  It made our drive to Minnesota so much more fun....6 hrs with that girl imagine the conversations! LOL  I have so much dance between wed-sat it's a big week 3 performances I am excited, but i keep feeling like I'm going to space a rehearsal or something.  Just a lot to keep track of.  I have like 5 papers I need to write in the next 2 weeks....yuck

Today Sarah and I went to Walmart and had our Chirstmas pics taken it was fun.  It was like $6 for so many pictures like this huge package deal it was awesome.  I'm hoping I get them before break!!!  We wore black turtle necks and santa hats. The more I think of Christmas break the more anxious I get!  I miss so many people there who I can't wait to see and visit.  I am anxious to see my purple room too hahaha  Tonight Matt came over because he has to watch the notebook for class and write a paper about it or something.  So I jumped on that chance I just love that movie!!! Heidi, Matt, and I watched it man that movie never gets old....awww how romantic! 

***and i finally realized what life is
all about ... its holding on when
your hearts had enough its giving
more when you feel like giving up***

Hey there world! lol

It's been awhile since I wrote.  Thanksgiving break is coming soon. Yey Turkey Day!  I will not be in Council Bluffs though, I am going to Alexandria, Minnesota to my aunt and uncles.  My parents and brothers (and Gizmo of course!) are meeting us there and My cousin Sara is flying in from New York and my grandpa is coming too.  I am sad I will miss all my CB gal pals and guys but can't wait for the Christmas and New Years festivities.  The Christmas party, sleep over, santa picture, beauty pageant, ice skating  yeah its an awesome long needed month together for sure.

*life isnt always about waiting for the storm to pass.its about learning how to dance in the rain*

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving with just the family, so I won't feel like going out with everyone like it will be just about my family which will be wonderful after the year we had.  Losing my grandma, great aunt, and almost losing my dad.  (wow typing that is weird)  i really need family time.  I have always deeply loved my family but I really took advantage thinking they'd always be there.  I am thankful to be with them for those 4 days.....it gives a new meaning to Thanksgiving and makes me even more thankful.

My dad had his heart cath this past Tuesday.  And it brought nothing but good news!  Everything is in place and working as it should.  That phone call from my mom was the hugest relief, because the last month and a half it has pretty much been a constant worry. This year's stress has been overwhelming....I am so thankful things are working out believe me.  But I want New Years to come so I can be like "Look!  A fresh year and it is going to be wonderful!"  My new worry is my roommate, Sarah, who is like a sister to me seriously....She had a doctors appointment last week because of a lump in her breast.  Erin and I went and sat in the wiating room for support and joked with her to keep her mind off it before she went in and the doctor was concerned so this Tuesday she goes for and ultra sound, MRI, and mamogram.  If you read this please say a prayer for her.  She has a few symptoms that caused the doctor to worry but I am hoping its something else like a cyst or benign or something.  I can't even handle the thought of her having breast cancer.  So please pray for good results Tuesday.  I'm really scared but trying to be so upbeat and optimistic for her while she is worrying, but inside I'm really scared.  Anyways after her appointment her and I are riding together for Thanksgiving break because Alexandria is right on her way to Fargo.  So for 6hrs hopefully I can lighten the mood or be there to listen I dunno I am glad she isn't driving by herself after that appointment for sure, it gives me at least someway to at least feel helpful.

*Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to hold it together, when everyone else is expecting you to fall apart, THAT IS TRUE STRENGTH*

I can look at the positives of these situations and say I have learned a lot and have grown up a lot.  The silly little stresses seem pretty pointless now.  Not that they don't exist but it really puts life, friends, and family into perspective and the importance of valuing all of them and showing you care.  The thing is as much as I can see the positive when I try to and am glad I grew up so much.  I honestly have to say I am probably a completely different person then I was this time last year. But sometimes I want to say "forget all i learned from it I can learn from it without any traumatic events or bad situations."  I don't want to learn the hard way I can learn this stuff without the negative stuff going on  although those situations definately sped up the learning process.  I know I'm still way young and have so much more to learn than I have in the past year but please no more of these events are needed to gain that knowledge. 

*don't repeat chapters .. the ending
of the story will never change <3*

Off the topic a silly stress that is not important in the scheme of things but I will vent about because this is xanga so why not...is boys.  If i date one more loser or guy that "pounces" yes thats right I said "pounces"  (want to know the story just ask)  I am going to go crazy.  I don't know how I present myself but I am not the kind of girl that wants to be "pounced" on and also someone get the sign off my forehead that says "losers this way" seriously I get the guys who don't call, or obsessively call, or have some weird thing about them or do something really obnoxious to me or someone else.  I am done with it. I am off this dating merry-go-round because it has turned from fun to nauseating.  It's been a good experience granted I didn't date around until college and it is a completely different world and I am glad to have experienced it.  I really wanted to be like the girls on Sex and the City (minus all the sex haha) with their funny dating escapades and names for men and stuff.  And I started dating and had funny stories but no matter how funny the stories are this year it is just getting old.  I'd rather be a nerd and focus on school.  Have fun with friends and be with my family.  Those guys are a waste of energy. 

*HER HEART FiNALLY T0LD HER
T0 ST0P WASTiNG HER TiME*

So I am getting off the merry-go-round  and I dunno find something that doesn't make my stomach queasy. haha I just realized I need to respect myself more not to get involved with people who hurt me especially when I allow the same guys repeatedly hurt me  to all of them "Peace out I'm done" haha

"I like to spend time with people I respect, because then I can respect myself" 

What a vent!  I hate when I complain so much I am just in serious need for a break I can't wait!  Thanks for everyone who dealt with me this past year and dealt with all the moods and emotions seriously

"I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, but I call them my best friends."
  

Everyone have a fun weekend and great Thanksgiving I will miss all of you in CB!